Chapter 12

Chapter 12:  Truth

“Julan!” I screamed.  He was not in the cavern or outside.  “Shit!” Where could he have gone, and how long had he been gone?  My mind was racing.  I had to think.  I didn’t even hear him leave…Mashti.  Quickly I sprinted up the foyada.  I couldn’t see him anywhere ahead.  I ran to towards her encampment, but knew without a recall spell or flight, it would take at least 2-3 hours to get back there with this ash storm raging.  How did he get such a jump on me?  Recall?  Why didn’t I think to do that—but, wait, I thought…why did he?  I tried contacting him through our telepathy rings to no avail.  I only heard water.  

The dark, starlit sky was turning orange by the time I had arrived to Mashti’s encampment.  I had checked Julan’s yurt first—though knowing I wouldn’t find him there.  Sweat drenched and scared I started banging on her door—it was barricaded by something.  Inside I heard the sound of a woman sobbing.  Mashti.  “Open the door Mashti!  Open the god damned door!”  I started kicking it and in rage and exhaustion I threw everything I could find at it—all to no avail.  I had to think of something…Shani.  

I reached her in a panic, and spilled, barely coherently, my story.  “What?  Julan’s gone?  His mother is what?  And you’re the Nerevarine?!  This is insane Anni.  Ok…Ok…what to do?”

“I need some answers.  Now.”

“Alright…I just hope it’s not too late.  We can’t talk here, though.  We’ll go to the tradehouse in Vos.  Perhaps Julan is stewing over his Matze,” she said.  Gods I hoped he was; and I had made a decision…if he was indeed stewing over a long drink, I would back out and wish he and Shani the best.  Looking at me would be a constant reminder of his failure.

As we dashed up winding stairs to the trade house, my heart pounded.  I wasn’t sure I could handle his not being there…but that was the case.  There was no loud Dumner on the table dancing or passed out in his Matze.  There was just Shani.  “I’m sorry to drag you out here but I wanted us to speak in private, this was the only place that came to mind.  This is the place where we used to come when…” she looked away briefly, then turned back to me, “but anyway.  I promised you some answers.”

At Varo Tradehouse

“You did,” I said shortly.

“Julan’s mother…virtually everything she’s ever told him is a lie.  She never found him in the Grazelands.  She got pregnant by Han-Sashael, the Ashkhan, and his wife made him throw her out of the tribe.  Everyone knows what really happened.  Nobody ever spoke of it, though, to spare Ahmabi’s feelings.  She never had any children of her own, you know, so it was especially hard for her.”

“How could he have not suspected?” I questioned incredulously.

“Mashti had him brain washed!  But…sometimes I think he doubted her, but was too proud to admit it.  I mean, he used to spend a lot of time at the camp when we were growing up, he heard what was said.”  My gods, I could only imagine living a life of ridicule…everyone speaking in whispers and stares.  I never knew his strength until now.  Shani continued “Ahmabi wanted to hide the truth from him so much that she started a hundred different rumors about Mashti to disguise the true one.  Most of them were false, so of course Julan thought they all were.”

“Superb—excellent strategy.” I said turning my head in disgust.  Ahmabi had brilliantly hid his parentage—and his inheritance. “I still think he would have questioned Mashti.”

“I’m sure he did, Anni” Shani said softly, “but he loves her.  He wanted to believe her.  And of course he wanted to think that he was special, and not just some illegitimate outcast with no future.  I mean, who wouldn’t?”

“What of Han-Sashael?  How could he have not said anything?  For the very least, the good of his tribe?”  Bastards are the world’s oldest backup plan.  

“He never said anything, Anni.  He knew of course, but never let Julan suspect.  I honestly don’t know why.  Perhaps it was Ahmabi’s doing.  But I used to see him watching Julan in the camp, sometimes.  When he thought Julan couldn’t see him.  And now it’s too late.  You spoke to Rakeem, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you know what Mashti did…In the end, she can never be forgiven.”

“I’m not so sure of that, but continue, Shani.”

“I should have told you this earlier...”

“Yes, you should have...” I said flatly.

“Maybe he would have believed it coming from you,” she said turning from me.

“There was never any proof.  And it’s like you said…Who would want to be a bastard when you could be the Nerevarine?”

“You have to find him, Anni.  I don’t know what he might do.  You have to make Mashti talk.  She might know something.”

“I’ll come back when this is over.  Shani…” I turned to the wall hugging myself, “When I bring him back, I plan to walk away.  He should be with someone who doesn’t remind him of his failings—.”

“Oh, no Annika Blue.  I still love Julan and you know this, but I won’t have him pinning for you. Second best—no, I won’t live my life like that.  You will have to sort it out,” she grabbed my arm slightly, “don’t come back until you do.”  She brushed past me and I knew our talk was over.  I had to come up with something.  The answer lay in where it all began, I headed back to the encampment.  I thought of what I might have to do break down door, though it was already open upon arrival.  I entered the yurt, Mashti looked up at me wearily, but without malice.

“Annika Blue, I thought you might come back.”

“You knew I would.”

“I suppose you want to know where Julan is.”

“Yes.”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“No more lies, Mashti,” I shrieked, pounding my hand on the table. Moving my hand on the hilt of my sword, I knew that if it came to a battle of magic she would destroy me, but if it came to the sword…her skull would joining the others decorating her yurt.

“I’m not!  He came here, he…” she sighed, then looked up at me wanly. “I told him everything.  He allowed me no choice in the matter.  You know too, I can tell by your face.  So.  What would you have me tell you now?  I am sick of secrets.”

“Why did you do it?  What in gods name led you to think it was a good idea to make him believe he was Indoril Nerevar?”

“Why? Fool, that you cannot see this,” Mashti uttered bitterly.  “We were outcasts, Annika.  His father would not, or could not acknowledge him.  I could never return to my people.  What kind of life could I offer my child, reviled and rejected?” she shouted, impassioned. “When I left the Urshailaku I took little with me except my knowledge of the prophecies.  So I gave him a dream, a purpose… it was all I could give him.  I had nothing else.”

“Guarshit, it was a lie, and a deadly one at that.”

"I danced for him."

“Not true?  You know nothing about truth!” Mashti seethed.  “No, you speak of facts and what are facts, sera?” she asked rhetorically.  “Facts mean nothing to me.”

“Obviously. ”

Her eyes flashed a rage; her voice seethed. “Julan could have become the Nerevarine, no matter what the prophecies say.  There is always another prophecy, and if there’s not…well then you can make one of your own! He could have done anything—anything!—that he put his mind to, if only he had believed in himself.  The fault is mine,” she said shaking her head, “for not making him believe more.”  There was a strange truth to her words, as cynical as they sounded.  Another day, another prophecy, make your own future, become the next prophet.  The logic was sickly sane….But no… I was not going let hypnotize me, as she had done to Julan.

“He could have been killed. This mission has been more than deadly.  If he is dead now…”

“No!  I was sure…sure that the gods would protect him.  And they did!”

“You’re delusional…Sick enough to believe your own lies.” I said crushingly.  It takes a special art to do that, one even I never possessed.

“No, I’m not,” she pounded a table.  “They sent you, did they not?—but now I think perhaps that the gods have been laughing at me all along.  I know you are the one to bear the Moon-and-Star.  Perhaps my son and I have been mere tools guide you towards your destiny.” I drew back, she winced. I moved towards her, until we were toe to toe.

“You listen, closely Mashti, for I will only say this once,” I said menacingly.  “I love your son.  I have loved him from the first…If your lies have taken him away….”  I closed my eyes at this. I could not think… Regaining composure I looked at her and smiled, “You know, I had always thought you both were using me.  Now I know Julan and I were both pawns to you and the twisted gods you both pray to.”

“Your spiteful words matter not to me…not anymore…” Mashti said resigned.   “Gods or Daedra, and the prophecies, none matter now.  Whether I used them, or they used me, or you used both of us, it’s all over.  It’s finished.  I have lost the final thing that it was possible for me to lose.  I have lost my son.”

“Think Mashti,” I said slowly.  “You must know where he might have gone.”

“It matters little where he went.  He will never return to me, I know that much.  I have lost him forever.  He never even raised his voice.  His face as he left….,” she paused looking over to me, “He looked so much like his father, like Han-Sashael.  I know he will not be coming back.”

“Maybe not to you.  But I will find him.” I said this gritting my teeth and turned away, towards the door.

“I danced for him…,” she whispered.  I stopped and looked back at her.

“What?” I turned in disbelied, looking at Mashti hugging herself.  Gone was her sharp voice.

“Han-Sashael.  “When he came with his men to make trade agreements with my father.  All the girls, we preformed a sacred dance, just before the evening meal.  We only called it sacred in order to justify its place as traditional, but we were right.  It was sensual and beautiful, and what could be more sacred than that?  He came to my yurt that very night.  He was charming, and handsome.  Perhaps I was a fool, but I believed him when he said he would marry me.” I said nothing but nodded to urge her on.  This information may come into play.

“We left at dawn.  By the time we arrived in the Grazelands, I was deeply in love, and stunned by the beauty of my new home.  I was happy…too happy.  I soon discovered the truth,” Mashti paused and took a deep breath.  “My new love was already married.  He wept, and begged my forgiveness.  He had been captivated by my beauty; he had lost his wits and wished he could make things right.  He said his wife did not understand him, he loved me.  Male talk.  But I was very young and I loved him.  And I could never return home.  So I accepted everything he said.” I closed my eyes.  I could see this—all of it. I also saw my own mother before me.  I pictured her with that bastard Uriel Septim.  Why lies and false promises had he made?  Mashti sat down before continuing.

“He told the tribe that I had come to train as a wise woman.  Ahmabi was suspicions, but she had no proof.  I saw him in secret, whenever he could get away.  I knew people were talking, but I cared little for their opinion.  I was happy.  But of course it could not last.  I became pregnant, and we could no longer conceal the truth from his wife.  You know the rest.  He never said a word in my defense when she wove her lies to cast me out.  Not one word…”  She paused for a moment, turning to a dusty chest.  She opened it slowly, delicately lifting something out of it.

“Look at this,” she said softly, handing me a beautifully embroidered dress.  “Once, it was going to be my wedding gown.  My sisters and I sewed it, when I was betrothed to my father’s gulakhan…I took it with me when I left with Sashael.  Of course, I never used it.” She then looked to me.  “Here you take it.  I have kept it too long and it holds too many sad memories.  Use it, when you find Julan, or throw it away.  I care not.”

“Mashti, where is he?”

“The last time he left me, when I told him to leave that silly girl from the camp, he later said that he had been living in a cave called Dun-Ahhe.  Perhaps he is there, perhaps not.  But before you go…He asked me to give you this…” she said handing me a crumpled letter. “I have no idea what it says as I never learned to read…Take it…And…I should confess something.”

“Go ahead.”

“I had not intended to give you the note, nor direct you.  Why should I help the one, who day by day, has drawn the affections and loyalty of my son away from me?  No, do not speak.  I am not so poor a mother that I cannot read his heart in such matters.  I have learned from the past.  When I made him choose between that silly Ahemussa girl and myself, I thought to strengthen his loyalty to me, but I miscalculated.  I underestimated his attachment to that girl..., and perhaps underestimated him.”

“Were you so unsure that you had to test him?”

“Perhaps.” she paused, glaring at me.  “I nearly lost him then and now… now that I have truly lost him…But even if I had the chance again, I would know better than to ask him to choose.  I heard how he spoke of you, saw how he touched…Bah!  Enough, I have resolved to give up my spite and have aided you, have I not?  Go then, find him if he will be found.”  I nodded.  I would not lend her the grace of a final word.  

Outside the yurt I opened the letter. It looked to be quickly scrawled and was crumpled.

Anni,

I am sorry for this…for leaving you—it was too much.  I’m not angry about you being the Nerevarine; I think I knew it all along.  Or maybe I just knew I wasn’t.  Doesn’t matter much now I suppose.  Please keep your promise to Sul-Matuul.  I’d wish you luck, but you never needed it.

Keep an eye on Shani for me—and Mashti.  I suppose its funny how I’ve learned she was really my mother all along; I don’t want to call her that anymore.   I needed some answers and now I have them.  I just have to figure out what to do with them.  Please don’t worry…

I want you to know that everything I said was true; I’m sorry that fate has placed us on different paths.  Whenever the stars and sun meet, I will think of you.  Always.

Julan

Jules. I held the letter in my hand for a moment, then looked at Mashti’s dress.  I had to find him.  I would start at Dun-Ahhe.  Upon, entering I knew he wasn’t there; the cavern had been taken over by some sorcerers, who surely would not have tolerated a broken-hearted boy in their presence.  I ran throughout the cave to make sure they had not hurt him. I found no evidence of Jules, but was immediately attacked by some random mages.  When will these wizards learn that a blade is faster than an incantation?

Ring by the water...and scrib...

Running out of the cavern door I had an idea.  Before when I had tried to locate Julan via the ring, I had heard water, though was too panicked to listen for what kind.  Was it running, like a stream, or was it the ocean?  I put on the ring again, and this time shut out every thought and fear.  I heard water, but also the sound of scrib—many scrib.  There are often many scrib in a cavern or mine.  Mine…Ranyabi—it was close to Azura’s cavern and to Dun-Ahhe.  If he was chased out of Dun-Ahhe….Right. To Ranyabi.   

Enduring an arduous hike up a mountain in the dark, I came upon the old egg mine.  The plants near the entrance Ranyabi have been cut back, the dust disturbed.  Someone has been here—and scrib.  I heard many scrib. “I’m coming, Jules.” I said to myself as I trudged through the corridors of the mine.  In the distance, on a rock across a puddle I saw something sparkle.  It was his ring, though no sign of Julan.  It appeared that he has tossed it in, and I could picture him doing so in a rage.  Not the Nerevarine—just a pathological liar’s bastard son.  I went across the water and picked it up.  I looked at the tunnels ahead of me, labyrinth like, typical of an egg mine.

Through the muck and kwarma shit I waded, until I saw something that horrified me.  On the steps of a platform a specter floated.  The Ancestor Guardian did not attack, but spoke.

“No.  You shall not enter than place. Leave.”

“Please.  I have to find Julan…” I begged.

“He is ours now.” My heart sunk like falling.  

“He’s dead?” I asked barely audibly.

“He still is among the living, but he is ours now.  He will hear our words and do our bidding.”  He wasn’t dead.  There was still time.

“Who are you and have you done—?”

“We are the ancestors of the Ahemmusa.  For too long, he has ignored our cries for vengeance.  We have waited too long.”

“Please…just let me talk to him…please,” I pleaded.

“No…He is ours now.  He has no more need of words…”

“I am his friend…Maybe I can help you…with your bidding.” I would do and say whatever it took. “Please…I am not lying.”

Ancestors

“Prove it.  Show me a token of this friendship.” I held out the ring—it was all I had left.  The specter faded; though I still heard its voice.  “You may pass, but remember, he is ours now.”

I pushed in the heavy door leading to another part of the mine.  Through door I heard wailing.  A man’s screams…raw and tortured.  “Julan!” I cried.  Nothing.  “Damn it, Jules…Answer me!”  Further down the rabbit hole I went, the screams and pleas getting louder—until I saw it.  The sight would never leave me.  I saw the person I loved most losing their mind.  Julan was rolling in on the ground with these Ancestor Ghosts circling him.  Laying in a fetal position, his screams were intense…Had I found him sooner… “Jules!”  He didn’t hear me.  He was beyond hearing, any earthly sounds at least…Bravely, I ran past the circling specters and crouched down beside him, gently shaking him, trying to get him to see me.

“Anni…is that you?  Please…please…” He was rocking back forth; begging for them to stop.  I knew I could not kill these unholy things, there were too many.  I must speak.  I stood and approached the entities circling us.

“Stop it!  You’re killing him!”

“Earthwalker, why are you here?  This is clan business, family business.  You have no place in this. We will speak until he listens.”

“He can’t hear you.  You’re breaking his mind!  Stop!”

“His mind matters little.  What matters is blood—shared blood and spilled.  We called to him in his dreams, but he could not hear us through his mother’s lies.  He hears us now but still resists.”  They were the ones in his dreams—not Dagoth.  It made sense now.

“Whose blood do you want?  I will spill it.”

“We demand blood in payment for that of our fallen brother, Han-Sashael.  He lies unburied, cruelly slain through a woman’s evil and jealous love.  She must pay and his bones must be returned.”

“I’ll do whatever you want—,” I begged.  Had they asked me to kill Azura, I would have found a way.

“He must obey.”

“Please…whatever your bidding.  Please just let me talk to him.”

“Agreed.  But know this….if he resists, we will return.  He will find no rest until his work is done.”  Suddenly, the spectors dispersed and silence; only Julan and I remained in this dank cavern.  I ran to Julan’s broken body in the corner, and rested his head in my lap.

“Anni…you’re here…” he started coughing up dirt… “You’ve rescued me again…”

“Not quite.  We have to get out of here…”  Quickly, I put the telepathy ring on and transported to the encampment.   I had to heal him, actually, Mashti had to heal him.

“You brought him back.” Mashti said touching his forehead gently. Julan was barely conscious, so there was no protest over her maternal touch.

Trouble with the relatives

“Yes.  Now heal him.  We will speak later.”  She did what she was told without word then left him to me.  I bathed him, cleaning off the blood, piss and shit off both of us and slowly nursed him back to health—what any wife, lover, or mother would have done.  In a way, I had been all three. It was days before he was coherent again.

“Trouble with the relatives?” I said coming into his yurt with firewood.  Julan was awake staring at the dying fire.

“You could say that.”

“Talk to me.” I said stoking the fire.

“She murdered him, Annika.  It’s all true…every story…I heard the story from that scout, Rakeem, but I never believed it.  But the ancestors said….She killed him…Han-Sashael, the Ashkhan...my father!”

“Maybe, though Mashti told me about their affair, she mentioned nothing about murdering your father.”

“Annika, they want me to kill her.  To avenge a father I never knew.”

“And denied you,” I added coldly.

 “This is insane.  But Annika…it’s her fault I never knew him.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely true.  You’re father knew who you were long before he died.”

“Anni, she lied to me my whole life!  She’s murdered him…maybe she deserves to die, but…” I could tell he was weighing everything out, rationalizing the ancestor’s request.

“But she’s still your mother,” I finished his thought.

“I don’t know if I can do this…”

“Julan, I think there’s more to this story than anyone’s letting on, and as much as pains me to say it, I don’t think the blame rests entirely on Mashti’s shoulders.  She made a foolish mistake, but…I just don’t think she’s the murderer.”

“I don’t know…All this time I thought it was Dagoth Ur on Red Mountain that day, and in my dreams, but it was my father…trying…trying to stop me…” He turned from me.  

Holding him, I whispered, “We will get through this.”  

“I’m not so sure.  What am I going to do?” he asked.  “Who knew having a family would bed so complicated?” I laughed and held him, resting my head against his shoulder.  After a time he spoke.  “Oh, Anne, I should go face her.” He got up slowly and walked into his mother’s yurt.  

Mashti started to speak, “Julan, you must—

“Be silent!” Julan said sternly. “I ‘must’ nothing.  I’m here for answers from you, and nothing more.  I know you murdered my father.  But I want to hear it from you!  Don’t turn from me. You tell me why you did it…and why shouldn’t I kill you where you stand!”

“So you know everything, do you not?” Mashti asked bitterly.  “If you know that I killed him, then surely you know the rest…Please tell all the sins of your wicked mother, since you know them all so well.”

“I know what Rakeem said happened, and I nearly put a knife through him…I never believed it could be true, until now.”

“So you believe him, and no longer believe you mother?”

“How can I?  You speak nothing but lies,” he shouted.  “Lies to hide your shame and failure.  Gods, everything they said about you was true, yet I defended you!  You…you are despicable,” he spat.  “You lured him to his death…in some bloody cave.”

“Some cave—you dolt!  That cave is known as Sansit—and its name shall be tattooed on my heart until I am gone.” She looked at him.  “Everyone knows of Sansit.  It is the source of Daedra and corprus invading these lands,” she said shaking her head.  “Sashael was reckless.  Drunk with the thrill of the chase, foolishly thinking he could drive the beasts back beneath the mountain,” she stopped for a moment and took a breath.  “Ai….he wanted to make his people safe.”

“Liar!  He was lured in there by you!  I know you can summon Hungers, and make them obey you!  You were seen approaching the cave!”

“Yes, I was watching…I couldn’t believe he was so foolish.”

“Damn it, you killed the guard!  Then you entered the cave and finished the job!”  He was screaming.  This would get us nowhere.  I stood between the both of them.

“Mashti, you really killed the guard?” I was hoping she’d say no…

“I did, Annika,” she said softly, with remorse.  “He refused to let me come near Sashael.  His fear made him rash and I was forced to defend myself….” She let out a sigh.  “I had to follow Sashael—to stop him.  I had seen…There were far worse than mere Hungers in there.”  Julan was furious at this point…from experience I knew there was no stopping him.

“You’re lying.  You expect me to believe you went to save him?  Funny how they all ended up dead, then, isn’t it?  And you came out without a scratch!”

“I…was too late.  Julan, his men were dead, and he…he had gone deeper in, lost in the haze of slaughter.  Killing all in his path, unaware he was the only one still standing.  I ran and ran through the caves full of corpses, but deep beneath the mountain the tunnels were dark and maze like, and I could not find him.  I heard him, dying, but I could not…” she was in tears, “I never even found his body.”

Silence.  Mashti then turned to me.

“Annika, I shut myself in my yurt for a week.  I said that I was praying to Azura, so that my son might not know my grief,” she said looking toward Julan.

“I remember that,” Julan said softly. “But…why did you never tell me, while he lived?  He was my father, and I never knew him.  How could you deny me that chance?”

“Deny?” Mashti laughed softly through the tears.  “What have I denied you?  The chance to be rejected and reviled, as I have been?  If you would tell me of my sins, then tell of his as well.  He denied you, not I; he refused you as his son.  I merely spared you the pain of knowing it.  I loved you too much to make you endure what I suffered.  And now you truly know all I have to tell you.”  She stopped and looked Julan directly in the eyes, “You may kill me now, if that is your wish.  I have no reason to live any longer.” Julan stared at Mashti, then turned and left the yurt, without so much a word.

“Mashti, let him go—let him calm down. We will speak again.”

“There is nothing left to say, Outlander.”

“There is much.” I turned and left the yurt to find Julan sitting by shore, smoking hack-lo.  I walked up silently to him, placing my hand on his shoulder.

“I’ve wasted my whole life,” Julan said staring out into the sea.

“Hardly.  You were well educated in you people’s lore, you’ve learned how heal and how to fight.  And thought the guise that Mashti used in meeting those ends…was…well, deceptive…nevertheless, you learned, and you were loved, despite everything.” He said nothing, but laughed quietly.

“Jules, we are the bastard children of powerful men.  We were forged in the fires of passion and regret and are made of steel.  You will have to get passed your anger and your people will have to reconcile your existence.” I ran my hands through his hair, and smiled.  “Julan, Han-Sashael had an heir.  By rights you should be the next Ashkhan….”

“Ahmabi, will never allow for that.”

“Tough.  She’s old and not long for the earth, her bitterness consumes her.  The tribe knows it…Julan, think for a second…Why have the Ahemmusa not found another Ashkhan?  Because they know there’s one already…”

He exhaled slowly. “Well, Anni, I know what I have to do now, regardless of outcomes.  Ashkhan or not, I have to return my father’s bones to the tribe. He has to be properly buried…or…his spirit cannot rejoin his ancestors and he cannot protect our tribe.”

“What of Mashti?” After all that had happened, and all I knew she was capable of, my heart went out to her.  She had gotten a raw deal.

“I’m still not sure about that.  Perhaps…Perhaps if I find where my father died, there will be evidence of what happened, and some way of proving if her story is true.”

“What if she killed him?”  I can’t say I’d blame her if she did…To deny his son…  He had it coming.

“Then…I’ll do whatever I have to,” he said turning towards me.  “It is my duty.  You see, I realized…I’m not the Nerevarine, and I never was.  But one thing was true all along—I do have a sacred mission to save my people…and now I know how,” he spoke taking my hand…. “But what of you, sera?  I think its time we talked about you.  And what you will do, now that you are Nerevarine?”

“I can’t believe it….Maybe I don’t want to.”

“I understand that, Anni. I thought the same thing many times.  But,” he smiled holding my face, “I always knew there was something special about you.  You’re going to be a great hero, the one bards write songs of…I don’t think you’re going to need my help, but you were ready to follow me up Red Mountain once, and may Azura take me if I won’t do the same for you.”

“Julan…” I didn’t know what to say.

“I’m not sure why you came looking for me.  You have your own destiny now, and you won’t need me to fulfill it.”

“You know why I came for you,” I said staring off into the ocean.

“Say it.”

I paused for a second, then turned to meet his gaze. “Because I love you.” I had hoped not to make a fool of myself, as admitting something that profound, and that close to the soul leaves you vulnerable;  though I knew by his smile, I had said the right thing.

“I know, I just wanted to hear it.  I love you, too—you this you know, sera.  More than I can say.” We stared out into darkness for a time then he continued, “Anni, you’ve made me possible…If not for you, I’d be yet another sad and failed Incarnate ghost in Azura’s little cave.  You make me happy and that’s…it’s not something I’d ever expected to be.”

“But you left…”

“I know and gods I’m sorry for it.  I just couldn’t imagine that you would still…need me…once you knew who you were…And I was afraid of that.  I thought it would be better to go then asked to leave.”

“Don’t do it again...” I was dead serious.

            “Never.”

“I’m still picking splinters out of my hands,” I said laughing. .  

“I swear it.  I’m yours—forever, if you want me,” he said, brushing the hair out of my face.  “You don’t have to do this alone.  Before you came, I thought I was on my own, and was terrible.  I never want that for you.”  I kissed him softly, sensually. We stood on the beach for a time…then I led him back to his yurt.